Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is