Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda