2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.