friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
You Might Also Like
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
ibopfufen
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I wish I could veto my bills.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.