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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
This is what makes twitter great
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
These aliens are taking forever.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.