Happy birthday to all the women
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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when weâre fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her âjust make sure u raise him rightâ and now sheâs taking me out of her will
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite đ¤đđŚđ˘đłđđş adhering to the volume guidelines
Pavlovâs dog but itâs me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says âMOM!â
Itâs a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
ME: Whoâs haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like âi can tell youâre really intelligentâ couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Women are too difficult, Iâm gonna marry a poptart
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isnât Miss âGet Off That Computerâ Years 1994 to 2006
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: januaryâŚfebruaryâŚtuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?