Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
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i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Oh, I bet you would be
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.