The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.