“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
You Might Also Like
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Incredible customer service.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
guilty
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things