One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Proctology is located in A55
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.