Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
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Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
dutch so unserious
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
bury ourselves
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Beware of fowl play.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.