Name this drama.
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Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver