Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Pringles
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
*Seductively hides in the woods
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve