A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
is nasa ok
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this