*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok