An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
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Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
repaired
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’