I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.