I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Jogging
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”