me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*