Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops