The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
You Might Also Like
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.