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We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’