Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please