nobody’s gonna understand
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Plant care tips
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…