My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Its a hippotatomus
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Damn he played himself
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
me irl
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes