I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.