My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”