I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”