It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!