geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.