Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
You Might Also Like
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I found your tweet-up…
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.