My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.