Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Go girl power!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015