Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you