Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone