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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?