Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
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One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.