me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
i now pronounce you bounced.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I did not eat the cake…
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.