“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
You Might Also Like
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle