I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.