Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
This raises questions
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.