Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.