ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.