Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
BETRAYAL
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?