I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.