If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
You Might Also Like
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad