I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??