This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Follow me for more fitness tips.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad