JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I missed you with all my darts
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)