Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek